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Guy Smiley (Ryan Park) Booted—Ashley is to Relationships as Casey Anthony is to Parenting.

July 14, 2011 2 comments

Guy Smiley aka Ned Flanders aka Ryan Park got booted Monday night.  This is another shining example of why Ashley is clueless when it comes to relationships.  Guy Smiley has been praying for a one on one date with her for weeks now.  Smiley knows that if you want to create a relationship you need some one-on-one time.  Every single date up to this point was a group date with Smiley and Ashley, yet even before their first one-on-one date is halfway over, Ashley decided there was “no romance”.  REALLY?! You have not even been on a date with Smiley, how do you know?

We realize that wanting to run off to live with Bentley after only 2 group dates and a whiff of his pheromones is a carnal reaction most women have. Does Ashley expect this from every guy?  There is only one Bentley and we think Ashley might be using an unreachable standard when evaluating “romance”.

As possibly the biggest blow to Guy Smiley’s ego, Smiley now realizes now that unlike Bentley and Glambert he was the first to be shown the door–instead of looking for it–before a date was over (Big League Chew left before his date started only because the show’s true villain—William sabotaged him).  Bentley Apologists are big fans of Big League Chew and Guy Smiley, whenever they talked about Ashley—it was like hearing Ashley talk about Bentley.  Watching Ashley talk about relationships and what feels right on this show is a bit similar to watching Casey Anthony talk about parenting.

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Why The Bachelorette is like a Hot Dog Eating Contest

Over the weekend we noticed another nationally televised competition that is quite similar to The Bachelorette.  The 96th Annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest held on July 4th at Coney Island. The contest pits professional eaters against one another to consume as many hot dogs as they can in 10 minutes. The winner (who typically eats more than 60 hot dogs during the period) gets a mustard colored champion belt and $20,000.

While downing 60 greasy hot dogs and courting Ashley Herbert evoke similar feelings (both are likely to make you nauseous), we actually wanted to point out another similarity between the eating contest and the Bachelorette. This year Joey “Jaws” Chestnut won the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest after consuming 62 hot dogs in 10 minutes. The event played on ESPN and on televisions around the nation. But a much lesser publicized event was happening in the same city at the same time. Seven-time Champion and world record holder for eating hot dogs (among other things) Takeru “Tsunami” Kobayashi held an event on a roof top where he consumed 69 hotdogs in 10 minutes smashing Chestnut’s record. Consuming 7 more hotdogs is the eating contest equivalent of Kobayashi lapping Joey. Kobayashi was banned from the competition because he wouldn’t sign an exclusive contract with Major League Eating (yes, seriously, there is an organization trying to make eating a professional sport that wants to charge “athletes”). So Chestnut was crowned the wiener on national television by MLE president George Shea who would later call Kobayashi’s record a farce.

So what does this have to do with The Bachelorette? Just as the Nathan’s eating contest wants to find the greatest hot dog eater, The Bachelorette purports to find the best love match for Ashley. But both contests also want to make as much money as possible. So they end of squeezing more money out of the show and their contestants at the expense of “REALITY.” When Bentley was cast, Bachelorette producers were ecstatic about the ratings that would come from Bentley’s brutal honesty just as the Nathan’s contest organizers were ecstatic to have the iconic Kobyashi as their original hot dog eating champion. Yet Kobayashi and Bentley refused to play the game their handlers wanted them to play, and both of them walked. Now their respective contests are stuck trying to be the premier event while the champions sit on the sidelines. So who is the Joey Chestnut to the Bentley Kobayashi?

SPOILER ALERT (We think it’s a spoiler, but we don’t know for sure. Bentley fans believe it’s obvious given the Bentley rebound Ashley is on. Also, does it really matter to alert you when Bentley is gone?).

From what we understand, it’s the same guy who caught Ashley first off of the Bentley rebound (which she is still experiencing) – J.P. After seeing how hard Ashley fell for Bentley, it’s obvious that the love she feels for J.P. is a direct result of the Bentley rebound. At the end of the day, Joey and J.P. might get the coveted yellow belt and be crowned wieners on national television, those familiar with reality know who the real champions are: Bentley Williams and Takeru Kobayashi.

Before you make comments on this page, we want to identify that there are graphic analogies that could easily be made with a contest of consuming multiple wieners and the set up to The Bachelorette show—but we want to keep this site family friendly.

Ashley is over Bentley — I’ve Seen Better Actin’ in Tough Actin Tinactin

July 7, 2011 1 comment

After watching The Soup clip from our prior post, the Bentley apologist team can’t help but to feel like the show is completely lost.  Not because of Bentley, but Because of Ashley.  Ashley is not over Bentley, every time his name is mentioned it just shows how bad she has it for him.  In the words of Chris Rock, I’ve seen better actin’ in tough actin Tinactin.  No amount of editing is going to save what is really going on.  Bentley is the guy she wanted and cant have.  Classic problem for girls.  Any relationship that will come from this season is totally tanked because of Ashley’s teenage head over heels attachment to Bentley after only two dates has now left her choosing a second best alternative.

Bentley the Show Wrecker: Glambert McLean Checks Out

June 29, 2011 3 comments

Lots of people are aware that Bentley has completely taken over this season of the Bachelorette. Some viewers [including Chris Harrison] are exasperated by this turn of events and believe it could have been avoided. Other viewers are excited by it and have come to accept that Bentley’s charms are unavoidable [Apologists]. More than a few pundits have suggested that we start referring to the show as The Bentley-orette [ok, we’d be glad to].

On this week’s episode, Ashley finally spills the beans to the other guys about her feelings for Bentley. It doesn’t quite go as planned. While some of the guys take the news well, most are furious about having to play second fiddle to a guy that left the show several weeks prior [simply awesome]. The dentist and the chef are especially upset, and Glambert – always the drama queen – gets so pissed that he storms off the set and leaves the show. This is simply unbelievable. Bentley, a contestant that was on the show for only two weeks, manages to capture the heart of the Bachelorette, pushes one of the best looking guys to leave the show early, and completely shatters the confidence of the remaining contestants. Beautiful Bentley truly is a one-man show wrecker.

Bentley Knows What Women Want (and it’s not relationship platitudes)

June 28, 2011 9 comments

Bentley’s impact on the Bachelor/Bachelorette series has never been seen before on a reality show.  With what amounts to roughly 3 hours of courtship time (on group dates no less), he managed to capture the heart and mind of Ashley and America. He has been called “the most beguiling contestant to ever grace reality TV” and “the most important cultural icon of our generation.” As the main focus of the last 5 episodes, numerous gossip rags, and every water cooler conversation about the show, Bentley has led people to ask—how did this happen? How did Bentley gain the adoration of Ashley and, at the same time, attract the unmitigated hatred of viewers and pundits everywhere? While we don’t know the exact science, we do have an idea. There are four basic types of conversations we see Bentley have on the show.

1.   Bentley talking off screen about his interest in Ashley. As discussed by the Apologists, the worst of which were clear hack jobs that should enrage ABC quality control editing group more than viewers and pundits.

2.   Bentley talking to the other contestants (all of whom have nothing bad to say about him).

3.   Bentley comforting Ashley. The other contestants ignored her tears while Bentley came to her comfort.

4.   Bentley talking about his daughter. From the first conversation they shared to the last, the focus was on his daughter. Through sloppy and unethical editing, Bentley was villainized, yet the other men in the house universally agreed that Bentley had a one track mind in every conversation. He simply could not stop talking about his love for his daughter.

In almost every interaction on the show, we see Bentley focused on someone else, which is refreshing for viewers. There never seems to be a shortage of self-absorbed single Bachelors and Bachelorettes with proud smirks as they fill their date conversations with relationship platitudes.  “I just want to be with”… “My perfect relationship is”…”I have an important job.” This is what makes Bentley so irresistible to Ashley. Sure some men talked about hardships in their life, but it was a conversation that was still self-focused. Bentley’s conversations consisted of comforting Ashley and talking about his daughter.  So what can we learn from the Bentley/Ashley scenario? How about this: Men of America, when it comes to women, forget about yourselves. It’s easy to be self-absorbed when you are a single adult (Brad Womack and Jason Mesnick), but if you can resist that urge, you become all the more attractive.

Clearly there are additional factors we are purposely setting aside (e.g., Bentley’s pheromones are currently being studied by Johns Hopkins and Axe Laboratories). But for our purpose, a loud and clear message emerges: For individuals eager to find love, forget yourself and focus on others! Thanks, Bentley. We owe you one.

In Bentley’s (Beautiful) Shadow

June 16, 2011 4 comments

On this week’s Bachelorette episode, Ashley finally gets to move on after Bentley and turns her attention to the other 12 guys who are seeking to win her affection. There’s only one problem – she (and the show) can’t seem to let him go. For Bentley fans, this does not come as a surprise. Just being in the same room with Bentley (even if he’s only there to break up with you) is worth at least two kayak rides, sage relationship advice form old-timers, and a pair of orange shorts. We just can’t stop hearing about Bentley, and for good reason, the show is a lot more fun with him than without him. Here are the recap statistics for this week’s episode. We counted the number of times Bentley’s name was mentioned as well as the number of times all the other contestants’ names were mentioned. As you can plainly see, Bentley continues to play a dominant role despite his departure.

In closing, we echo the sentiments of a clever Bachelorette critic who said:

“Yeah, I guess I miss Bentley the Douchebag [we do not condone this label] more than I thought, though not nearly as much as Ashley seems to.  But who can blame her really?  Without him, she’s left to select her husband out of a pack of do-gooders straight out of Sweet Valley High.  Next week’s episode and the return of Bentley can’t come soon enough!”

Those broad shoulders sure caste a big shadow…

The Allure of Aloof

June 15, 2011 6 comments

After re-watching the first several episodes of the Bachelorette, two things seem pretty clear. First, Bentley is by far the most aloof of the 25 contestants. Time and time again, he holds back, appearing to relish in his reservation. Second, Ashley is attracted to his aloofness. The more he holds back, the more she seems to dig him.

What is the allure of the aloof? Well, most simply it differentiates Bentley from the other contestants. Not only does it keep him from coming off like a desperate schmuck (see cheesy Solar Ryan in almost every episode), but it also cultivates in him a quiet sense of confidence. While all the other guys are aggressively pursuing Ashley, trying to make the most of their 3 minutes of one-on-one time with her, Bentley casually holds back. Ashley ends up approaching him! While all the other guys feel the need to vomit out their biggest accomplishments (“I started a solar company,”) or their most tragic experiences (“my dad was an alcoholic”), presumably to impress Ashley or evoke her sympathies, Bentley nonchalantly mentions the one thing that is most likely to be a deal-breaker (and maintain his distance from her): that he’s a divorced father. By essentially doing the opposite of what the others do and what the show expects, Bentley stands out from the pack and emerges as the most authentic and genuine guy on the show (note the same “realness” gets him in a pickle during the ITM interviews).

Aloofness signals that a guy is complex; he’s likely to be a challenge. In short, he’s interesting. Like any other smart girl, Ashley simply has a hard time resisting.

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